My Relationship with Allah

I felt shy in front of her,

All day everday,

She was talking deen.

She would relate the simplest topics, back to Allah,

Around her I just felt at ease;

I didn't feel so lost,

Like I had been around others;

She was a constant stream of reminders,

A never ending khutbah,

One day she asked,

Innocently, not knowing what a tremdous impact it'd have,

'Sister how is your relationship with Allah?'

The question stopped me dead in my tracks,

Silence.

I stammered: 'My relationship with Allah??'

Well, I suppose it isn't the greatest.

See, I said, I have a track record,

As long as the Nile River (maybe longer),

My bad sins outweigh my good,

How can I ever become close to Allah?

How can I ever make it amongst the winners?

I lost hope in myself a long time ago,

And I'm sure Allah feels the same about me too.

She replied Sister, know Allah is the Most Forgiving,

Those who lose hope in His mercy,

Are only the Mujrimoon,

And you are surely not from them.

Sister return to Allah,

Repent from your ways,

Verily He is the only One able to guide all who are astray,

But Sister, you have to want it:

Guidance;

You have to strive for it,

It's not just mere words.

You have to live for,

And die upon it.

She continued on.

Wow! She seemed to have this lecture saved just for me!

I felt a sudden flash of anger,

But that subsided quickly,

And as her words sunk in,

A glimmer of hope floated within my chest...slowly.

That night I got up to pray,

In the darkness of the night,

Head lowered,

Raised my hands like my mother,

A big question mark:  What should I do next?

Confused, I sat there.

Where is guidance? Let it rain upon me any second,

I'm ready! 

As the canopy of the night,

Enclosed me in its darkness,

My heart was steered into reflection,

Suddenly years of sinful memories came to my mind,

Playing like a cinema:

How can my memory be this good? 

Every sin commited,

Without shame,

Without guilt, 

Suddenly a moutain of pressure began to lift,

 From my darkened Qalb;

And tears began to stream,

Like the niagra falls,

They refused to stop.

Reality. 

It hit me hard like lightning on a stormy day,

The gray clouds in my chest filled with more droplets of regret,

Tears,

Tears,

And more tears.

The Sister's question replaying in my head:

My Relationship with Allah?

The answer: I had buried deep within me all along..

O Allah, how distant have I been from you?

O Allah, how can I chose to obey others besides you?

I am your sinful servant,

I stand before you in need,

Of Your Bounty,

Of Your Grace

You are the Ever Powerful,

La ilaha illa 'anta, Subhanaka, 

Thalamtu nafsee, faghfirlee!

Arhamanee ya Allah,

I am so weak.

Yaa Muqallibal quloob,

Thabbit qalbee ‘alaa Deenik!

O Allah, Turner of Hearts,

O Lord who guides,

Guide me to your path,

Guide my heart to your Deen,

Keep my feet firm until I breath my last,

O Allah...

-Bint Qalin

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