Reflecting on the Man I've Become

I look back and think about the man I could’ve been//

The ideal self that isn’t me//

I look back on women that I’ve loved//

Casually, physically or through blood//

My passion is slipping//

I don’t know why I am existing//

Trynna find meaning in my religion//

Life’s blurred with ugly vision//

The money I could’ve made //

Or the money I could’ve saved//

My friends are in their graves//

My mother is in the same//

I don’t know why I ever changed//

Do I have a right to ever complain???

I manage to avoid that pain//

I laugh and joke about the past//

While people enjoy the new Zack//

And they tell me I’m so relaxed//

And they tell me I'm so social//

Than for a second I feel normal//

Than we talk about our families//

And our histories//

And our losses//

And our victories//

And then I realize that who they see isn’t me//

And I look back and think about the man that I couldn’t be//

Zack Ahmed

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